


Red Dwarf Pitch Meeting

by HungLikeARainbro



Category: Red Dwarf, Screen Rant Pitch Meetings (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, I am just amusing myself, There is no reason for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 23:26:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19386580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungLikeARainbro/pseuds/HungLikeARainbro
Summary: A scriptwriter and a BBC executive meet to discuss a sitcom set in space.WARNING: I highly recommend having prior knowledge of Screen Rants' Pitch Meetings (web series) before reading this.





	Red Dwarf Pitch Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I've been bingeing SC Pitch Meetings on YouTube and I got a few scenes in my head that amused me. Honestly, this would be better performed but I am no performer. I would not attempt to read this if you don't know Pitch Meetings, or have difficulty with hearing dialogue in your head. But on the small chance there is someone else in this Venn diagram of RD and PM fan. I present this nonsense.

RED DWARF PITCH MEETING

FADE IN

EXT. BBC OFFICE BUILDING - DAY  
Sounds of talking, computers, phones, and machines.

CUT TO:

INT. BBC EXECUTIVE OFFICE - DAY  
An office with only a scriptwriter and a BBC executive in shot.

EXECUTIVE  
Hey, so I hear you've got a sitcom for me?

WRITER  
Yes sir, I do. It's called Red Dwarf and it’s going to be set on a spaceship.

EXECUTIVE  
A sitcom in space; won't that be expensive?

WRITER  
Not at all! It'll take place almost entirely in a bunkroom and there will be no aliens or robots.

EXECUTIVE  
(unsure)  
Sounds rather boring.

WRITER  
It is. A lot of people will hate it and prefer the later episodes when we have more money and it gets more eccentric.

EXECUTIVE  
Okay then! So what's it about?

WRITER  
It's about a middle-aged bum called Dave Lister.

EXECUTIVE  
Huh okay, and what's he like?

WRITER  
He's in love with his mother and has a cat.

EXECUTIVE  
(shocked)  
He's in love with his mother?

WRITER  
Oh but he doesn't find out until long after they break up though. Anyway she’s dead, sort of.

EXECUTIVE  
That's really dark. But that'll be interesting; to see how he feels about her after finding all that out.

WRITER  
Never mentioned again.

EXECUTIVE  
Oh wow.

WRITER  
Also he's his own father.

EXECUTIVE  
Oh wow.

WRITER  
That is mentioned again but not for like ten years.

EXECUTIVE  
So who else is in it?

WRITER  
Remember the cat?

EXECUTIVE  
Isn't working with animals notoriously difficult?

WRITER  
No it's okay, the cat had kittens and they evolved into humanoid cats but only one of them is left.

EXECUTIVE  
But wouldn't that level of evolution take millions of years?

WRITER  
Of course it would, you big smeghead.

EXECUTIVE  
Smegwhat?

WRITER  
It's a word I made up so that we can swear pre-watershed.

EXECUTIVE  
Okay, please don't ever call me that again.

WRITER  
(cheerfully)  
Okie Doke!

EXECUTIVE  
So the cat problem...

WRITER  
It takes place three million years in the future where all the other humans are dead. Lister survived in a stasis pod when he was sentenced there for breaking health violations by smuggling unquarantined animals.

EXECUTIVE  
I'm very confused. How will we convey all this to the audience?

WRITER  
The ship's AI, Holly, will explain everything.

EXECUTIVE  
AI? I thought we weren't having robots.

WRITER  
He's not a robot, smeghead, he's a talking head on a screen.

EXECUTIVE  
I asked you not to call me that.

WRITER  
Just seeing if it has staying power as a catchphrase.

EXECUTIVE  
I really doubt it. Any other characters?

WRITER  
There's Lister's bunkmate, Arnold Rimmer.

EXECUTIVE  
I thought all the other humans were dead.

WRITER  
He's a hologram.

EXECUTIVE  
Oh okay. And what's his deal?

WRITER  
Everything.

EXECUTIVE  
What?

WRITER  
(enunciating)  
Everything.

EXECUTIVE  
Oh my god. So is that everyone?

WRITER  
Remember how I said there's no robots.

EXECUTIVE  
Yes.

WRITER  
There's a robot now.

EXECUTIVE  
Oh there is?

WRITER  
A mechanoid called Kryten. And a toaster that talks. And a snack vendor that talks. In fact most of the machines talk.

EXECUTIVE  
Why is that?

WRITER  
(shrugging)  
I don't know.

EXECUTIVE  
Fair enough! What kinds of things do these characters get up to in the show?

WRITER  
Oh you know, they bicker and mock and argue like any old sitcom characters do.

EXECUTIVE  
Sitcom arguments are tight!

WRITER  
And encounter space anomalies, white holes, time travel, and they run away from giant squids, polymorphs, psirens…

EXECUTIVE  
Wait what?

WRITER  
They're genetically engineered life forms roaming around the galaxy.

EXECUTIVE  
So they're aliens.

WRITER  
No, they're genetically engineered life forms.

EXECUTIVE  
They sound a bit like aliens.

WRITER  
You're ruining my world-building and I'm going to need you to please get off my back about this.

EXECUTIVE  
Okay, backing off. So what else happens?

WRITER  
They meet female versions of themselves and Lister gets pregnant with twins.

EXECUTIVE  
(amused)  
Whoops!

WRITER  
(also amused)  
Whoopsie!

EXECUTIVE  
But a man getting pregnant by a woman, how does that even work?

WRITER  
I have no idea.

EXECUTIVE  
So why is it happening?

WRITER  
It's what I've got written down in the script.

EXECUTIVE  
Fair enough. It would be really interesting to explore the idea of a man dealing with being pregnant and raising children as a single parent.

WRITER  
Actually it's super easy, barely an inconvenience.

EXECUTIVE  
Oh really?

WRITER  
Yes, the pregnancy and birth happens off-camera and they get sent to live with their dad-mum after they become fully grown adults within three days, also off-camera. We find out from a text crawl like in Star Wars.

EXECUTIVE  
Won't people mind that we're copying such a massive franchise?

WRITER  
No, see, it's an homage.

EXECUTIVE  
Well that's okay then. But this all sounds like lazy writing to me.

WRITER  
It is.

EXECUTIVE  
I don't know if I like that.

WRITER  
Babies are even worse to work with than animals, stop being cute, and cost money.

EXECUTIVE  
But you said they grew up after a few days so it doesn’t matter.

WRITER  
I’ll be honest with you, I got bored.

EXECUTIVE  
Fair enough. But won't that whole thing have just been a waste of time for no reason?<

WRITER  
Pretty much. I did write a script for the pregnant part but it was rather gay.

EXECUTIVE  
I was going to ask about that. Are there any women?

WRITER  
Just monsters.

EXECUTIVE  
I really want a woman to be in it.

WRITER  
Okay I suppose we can add one around series seven.

EXECUTIVE  
Make her super sexy, that way everyone will definitely like her.

WRITER  
(enthusiastically)  
Yeah yeah yeah!

EXECUTIVE  
Now who are we hiring to play these guys. It's a sitcom so surely some established comedians?

WRITER  
No, actually most of them aren't even actors.

EXECUTIVE  
(worriedly)  
Oh no.

WRITER  
Also the middle-aged bum is now played by a young black poet, and the cat is black too. It shows diversity.

EXECUTIVE  
Diversity is tight!

WRITER  
Some people will have a problem with it.

EXECUTIVE  
Screw those people!

WRITER  
Absolutely screw those people!

EXECUTIVE  
So how long will this show be running for?

WRITER  
About thirty years, with a few breaks.

EXECUTIVE  
So when do we replace the actors?

WRITER  
Oh. We don't.

EXECUTIVE  
Uh oh. Won't the characters get really old?

WRITER  
Yes, but the fans will still think they're hot.

EXECUTIVE  
Well, all right then.

WRITER  
And write stories about them banging each other.

EXECUTIVE  
(really shocked)  
What?

CUT TO:

INSERT SCREENSHOT OF AO3 WEBSITE

FADE OUT.

THE END


End file.
